The losses of 2022

Let's start off with a little background on this video. This was recorded on February 11, 2022. 14 days after I was finally discharged home a month and a half after I suffered 3 strokes while in a coma, when the doctors told my dad I had a 50/50 chance of survival and that I may be paralyzed on the left side of my body and may never walk again.

Though I'm not where I want to be in my recovery this video never fails to remind me of my resilience. I am who I am because I am driven by my obstacles, pain and challenges. As much as I have days where I just bathe in self-pity I've learned that I truly am stronger than than I believe.

On New Year's Eve I thought it was a great idea to venture off to Scarborough Town Center with Rosie. That was yet another moment when my ambition took the best of me. However, these moments alway bring such a strong display of humility at the cost of my ego. Here I am lugging around a dollarama bag on one arm and holding onto Rosie. (Not just cause I didn't want her to get lost but because I didn't want to get lost). In my head I was clinging on to the edge of a cliff trying to keep myself from crying. The loss of my peripheral vision has been a big challenge. Though the right side improved I still have a significant blind spot on the left side that extends to the lower part of my eye. The worst part is that to everyone else I look completely "normal". Though my central vision remains intact I'm constantly scanning left to right to adjust to the deficit. Throw in the effects of the strokes,the light sensitivity the hemipeligic gait on the left and the lung fibrosis that leaves me breathless with very little effort; I'm a hot mess but nobody would know, much like my life in general. At the best of times this defecit leaves me disoriented like I'm wandering in an endless dream. Let me make it easier to understand. Remember back in the 90s when D'angelo released that infamous video way before his unfortunate "dim down"? Every man or woman watching that found themselves subconsciously standing up thinking they would get a better view at where the frame cuts off. (Stop playing y'all know you were all doing that). Well that's my left eye, the frame ends on the left corner no matter what I do. At that moment of frustration I felt useless and incompetent but I also felt gratitude. I had this deeper appreciation for the many people living with a disability, especially ones that are not as visible. It's been draining trying to explain to others especially myself, the symptoms I experience on a day to day basis. Often times I ponder if I'm losing my mind or if I'm fabricating my symptoms. I went home to prepare for 2023. I was exhausted and my heart felt heavy. I had to give myself the space to explore my mind and my heart. (A mindfullness practice I've grown accustomed to). What makes you the most uncomfortable opens up the biggest opportunities for personal growth and deep healing. It requires grit, time and patience. (I have the first two requirements)

2022 has been by far the most challenging year to navigate but has also given me the most blessings. It's brought me the most clarity and a greater sense of self-awareness. 2022 was a reset button that allowed me to PAUSE, REFLECT and HEAL. I could no longer hide behind the chaos of my day to day life. I've been living in survival mode and my soul/ spirit was dying. I was allowing my trauma to define me when in reality how I overcame the trauma is what shaped my character.

I was given a reset button (how many can truly say that) so what lessons was I gonna carry into this new life? What parts of me was I going to continue to let flourish? What damaging habits and traits was I going to leave behind? What are the people and things that are no longer serving me? What was draining my energy what was providing me with positive energy to facilitate my spiritual growth. There is so much to answer, to figure out. Right?! Actually no! Everything is right infront of you. Those toxic people have been showing their true selves the entire time but I refused to see it. Funny how having my vision impaired gave me more clarity. I was giving all my energy to people that didn't value it. Like a moth to a flame they were seeing my light and claiming it as their own and I was none the wiser. The oil burnt out and they were gone. I grieved this loss, I was angry but then it dissipated. I paused for a moment and gave it the gratitude it deserved for what it gave me at that moment. Then I let it go. I was no longer going to allow the betrayal and hurt carry on to this new life. I returned it to the giver through forgiveness. Then something beautiful happened. I created more space in my heart for more love, new friendships and old relationships that evolved into deeper connections. It brought out profound appreciation for the people that have always been present along the way.

So while many are reflecting on all the accomplishments and beautiful memories pause and be grateful for the hardships, heartbreak and failures too, especially if it made your light brighter. If you are going into 2023 with more love and appreciation in-spite of all the negativity then 2022 was a prosperous year.

As we dive into 2023 I wish you more self awareness. Be more present. When things get tough (which they will) make a habit of asking yourself "what is the lesson? Nurture your growth, your heart and your mind. You are responsible for your happiness. People have and will hurt you, that's not in your control. However, you are in control of how you heal from it. You didn't expect to be hurt by them so you shouldn't expect them to do the healing for you. You don't need to redeem yourself just to achieve some sort of recognition from others. Make 2023 the year you take accountability for your own healing so that you get the recognition from yourself. The way you feel about yourself will ultimately achieve more in life than the way people feel about you.

I am perfectly imperfect.

I was hovering between life and death. United with my guides and loved ones that have passed on. I have more to do in this life and I am open to receive.

Ria 2.0