Where are you Christmas?

Two more days until Christmas. While people are frantically shopping for last minute gifts I'm here lounging on the sofa trying to soak it all in. This exact time last year, a day after the doctors took out my breathing tube after almost 3 weeks of having it and contracting ventilator acquired pneumonia, I went back into respiratory distress. I have got myself to a point in my recovery where I have been dissecting all the doctors notes and researching and analyzing everything as though I was my own nurse. Each new revelation I am that more convinced that it is truly a miracle that I survived. I am even more motivated to discover my true life purpose and to truly and deeply understand who I am. I've always loved Christmas, the idea of finding the right gift for each person in my family eager to see the expression on their faces. This year is different. As much as I would love the means to shower everyone with gifts its just not feasible this time around.

I'm forced to contemplate if the gift giving is as much for me as it was for them. Was it my "shadow self" I was seeing in others because I wanted something. What was the something I needed so bad? What was I lacking? Don't get me wrong I love being showered with gifts but it just wasn't hitting the spot. My cup still felt empty. There was a pattern here that I was unable to see in a larger scale. I wanted to just keep giving and not just material things I would give everything ; my time, my energy my thoughts love and emotions. Even when I new I had nothing left I would continue to give more. Almost as though I believed that doing so would be somewhat of an investment in my happiness. The more of myself I invest the greater the "Risk-Return trade off". My stocks were plummeting. You truly cannot pour from an empty cup. In order for me to truly practice being intentional and present with others I need to begin with me.

Why did I believe so deeply in this idea of selflessness? I wanted people to know that I valued them, that they were worthy of love, that they were SEEN not just because they needed it but because I wanted that for myself. I have been blessed with so many beautiful people in my life but I have also been holding onto hurt people believing that it was my duty to "un-hurt" them. So who's duty is it to un-hurt me?

Nobody else but myself!

I have sat in the pain. I prayed to find peace, strength and guidance and God had me fight for my life just so that I could come to this realization. I have more life to live more happiness to achieve. Only I can take complete accountability for my happiness. It's not owed to me because of my past trauma. I reach it in spite of them. The painful experiences does not provide me an excuse to inflict pain on others. I choose to accept the pain openly because I have the self awareness to understand that it is these very experiences that continue to bless me with the insight to evolve into an even better version of myself.

So as Christmas is around the corner and people are frantically roaming through stores searching for that perfect gift why is the energy so unsettling. People are fighting over parking spaces, pushing through crowds. Patience is thin at this time. People are also going broke trying to fulfill unrealistic requests for items that hold no real value. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that it's okay that my usual gift giving will not be fulfilled. Perhaps this is just Gods way of reminding me to live in the moment. Right now at this very moment I'm laying in my bed as Gabrial my 14 year old son lays beside me completing his Religion ISU (remember those?) and I feel complete.

I have everything I need and I didn't have to brave the storm or the mall. Christmas truly is the best time of the year if only we allowed ourselves to enjoy it.

When I look back at past Christmas' I don't remember the gifts I received. I remember the food, dancing, karaoke, my aunts and uncles drinking, my cousins and now my nieces and nephews. I remember falling asleep past 4 am wherever there was space to lay my head. I remember Christmas mass and continuing the party the next day. It's those moments and memories that are priceless.

Last year was probably the most difficult Christmas of all. However, it's given me a different perspective and stronger appreciation for life and my loved ones. It's enabled me to gain a better understanding of who I am and what I value. This year I am the gift. No exchanges or returns.

I am blessed to have been given this second chance at life and the opportunity to see the impact I have made on others.

I feel SEEN, HEARD, LOVED AND VALUED.

I AM SAFE!

~Ria2.0