I forgive you….Ria!

The last few weeks have been energy depleting. It was definitely a test on speaking my truth and creating clear boundaries. I had to step away from everything and just allow the energy shift to flow freely.

My last few posts have touched on the importance of healing from past trauma and why sitting in your discomfort is essential to truly achieve this goal. I continue to revert back to this notion to serve as a reminder to myself. I continue to learn to accept rather than resist the ebbs and flow of this healing journey. Vulnerability isn't something I share. (Even with myself) In my defence it got me through some really difficult times in my life. My resistance to vulnerability mixed in with my innate ability to find laughter in even the most painful times enabled me to "productively" remain in survival mode for so many years. Enduring pain and laughing about it was like facing those that hurt me and screaming "is that all you got? Acknowledging that their actions deeply hurt me felt like I was accepting defeat. There was no way I was gonna give them the satisfaction. I continued to swallow the pain. Even after discovering that the person that I thought was the "one " was actually living a completely different reality than the one I thought we were living together. The infidelity sent me to a dark place that I never imagined I would ever have to experience. The betrayal was crippling but I had two little humans that needed me. So I swallowed the hurt which quickly transformed into anger. I soon discovered that it wasn't enough to numb the pain. I needed an outlet and that was CrossFit. I submerged myself into a different type of pain and I literally transformed myself into a beast. Pushing myself to the limit, through lifting heavy weights. Reaching and surpassing fitness goals provided me with a sense of power that I had lost because I allowed myself to be vulnerable. CrossFit was my reminder that I can do hard things but I wasn't dealing with the root of the problem.

In hindsight, I wish that I was able to recognize that my physical strength was a reflection of the strength of my soul and spirit. If I had as much faith in my ability to heal from deep trauma as I did with my lifts or my chest to bar pull ups; I probably wouldn't have remained in survival mode for as long as I have. Then again, I wouldn't be as driven as I am now; to fall deeply in love with myself. Touché! Nonethless, the CrossFit mentality I developed was also what aided in my physical recovery.

"Survival mode is supposed to be a phase to help save your life. It is not meant to be how you live" - Michele Rosenthal (author of "your life after trauma")

I became so fixated on creating this pillar of strength that I opened the floodgates to more trauma, more betrayal, toxicity and pain. I strayed further from my authentic self. The people around me grew accustomed to my display of "strength" that nobody really asked how I was and this bothered me deeply. It made me resentful. How could they not see my suffering? Maybe they didn't want to "stir the pot". I wanted someone to save me but at the same time I couldn't bare to ask to be saved.

My ego had taken complete control of my sense of balance. I turned to the same few people flooding them with the negative energy that was circulating inside me. Part of me believed they could carry some of the burden. (They did). I was becoming a burden.

The rejection I felt from the effects of the infidelities left me scarred. I was unable to distinguish between genuine or conditional friendships. I just wanted to feel safe, I wanted to belong and to be loved, anything to diminish the feeling of rejection. I made excuses for peoples questionable behaviour. I just wanted to be seen so I shared too much of me with people that had no intent to honour my vulnerability. I felt so broken and alone that I sacrificed who I truly was in exchange for "fairweather friends".

Then I would expend even more energy trying to prove to the same people that I was worthy of their friendship. I'm learning now that the only person that can save me is me! It didn't matter anymore if I was liked or how I was perceived. It would be an endless war convincing others to truly see me, when in reality many of those people didn't even know or like themselves. What truly matters is for me to love me and accept my authentic self. Those that are not in alignment with themselves will be offended by this shift while the others will be inspired by the light. Ultimately, the latter, are the ones I want to be in the presence of.

I have mastered survival mode, now I need to live....on my terms, unapologetically! Forgiveness is for me and my peace, I've earned it. I choose to hold space for my healing. I owe it to my old self and my new self. I am the master of my transformation. That doesn't make me self-centered, or lacking empathy, or above anybody else. I'm just like everyone else striving to reach true alignment to my highest self and it begins with this.....

Ria, I forgive you for the things you did while you were in survival mode!

~Ria 2.0