Soul Glow

I remember being in the hospital and being transferred to ICU in the middle of the night. The anxiety and fear was on a high. The nursing part of my brain was in overdrive. I was getting worse! In these situations ignorance truly is bliss. I recall transferring from the stretcher onto a pressure relief bed. Part of me relieved that this new bed was comfier than the bed I left behind in the other unit. On the other hand I also knew these beds were meant for critical patients that likely would be here for a while and would be bed ridden for sometime. I watched them connect me to the ECG monitors the O2 sat probe and BP cuff that would continuously monitor my vital signs. The sound of the alarms on the monitors (which until today trigger a response). The receiving nurse was a male Asian nurse that was calm, cool and collected. He went through a typical nursing welcome but one thing he said to me was something so profound and still resonates with me. He basically said " you are quite sick that's why you're here. The ICU is where your mind will be tested. We will do everything we can to help you all we ask is that you keep your mind strong." Those words stuck with me and so grateful for that transparency. Words I have lived by all my life was carrying into the toughest battle of my life. This was my greatest strength but also my biggest weakness.

After an incredibly mentally challenging week I sit here once again re-evaluating my emotions.

I never took in how a stroke or 3 really affected people not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Now that I'm one year into my recovery I feel as though I've plateaued. Neither worse nor better. I'm frustrated with and irritated with myself. I made a medication error. Not a critical one but it was a mistake and for the life of me I couldn't figure how I did it. I remembered part of the conversation with the pharmacist and somewhere in the middle I draw a complete blank. 20 years of nursing with no med errors and I made one on myself. How could I have possibly made such a stupid mistake? If I can't even do this right how am I ever gonna go back to work? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!? .....You had 3 stokes and almost died Ria!! Though I would like to say that it was my inner voice saying that it was "my people" that had to remind me of that.

This recovery has made me restless depressed and lost. I'm me but yet not the same person anymore. The only way I can continue to improve is to learn to accept this new version of me within this unknown realm of what is now my life. My entire self took a beating, that is my beautiful reality. I see the world through an HD Lens now. I'm learning to find gratitude in the simplest of things. I need to learn to give myself more grace. Having a strong mind doesn't have to mean being happy all the time. Acknowledge the emotions, honour it. It's ok to look back but only to remind me of how far I've come. So with that being said I spent the week crying and feeling sorry for myself. I let myself feel frustrated and sad. I spent most of my week in my room and on my bed. Now don't get it twisted I haven't got myself out of this rut. Apparently I'm experiencing post stroke depression which is to be expected. I'm on the road to recovery but when I step on the gas something keeps pulling the hand break. "I just want to be better, I want to be me again!!!"

....the old me is dead.

....the old me is evolving.

Nothing happens by coincidence. God has it all mapped out with divine purpose.

The coma was the the reset button that God has bestowed upon me.

What do I do with this abundance?

I choose to live.

In order to do this I must give all my faith in God that though I relentlessly push in the direction I believe is the way, God has greater plans for me. He has not failed me. Everything I have prayed for he has granted not in the way I envisioned but exactly how he planned with the exact same outcome.

This is my journey my RIAlity the Rialism of finding ME, but not just ME... RIA 2.0.

I will allow myself to feel every emotion, cry tears of sadness and joy. Live in Love. Show myself kindness, grace, patience and understanding. I will fail and make mistakes but I will take it in stride because it will only build my character.

"It's not in the destination but in the journey"

My life is a beautiful story of battles, scars, tears, joy, failures and successes. A perfectly imperfect life and I will continue to relish in this abundance. God allowed me to step foot on the other side but I have more life to live more love to give more lessons to learn.

My tears are my constant reminder that I am strong in heart and in mind. Love never fails but it begins with me.

-Ria 2.0

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.