A love note to my body

A year and a half into my recovery and I continue to mourn what was once me. Learning to accept this new norm or what the doctors call "my new baseline" has been a reality that I continue to navigate. Encompassed by both grief and gratitude yearning to be able to do the things I used to do and learning to adapt to my new limitations. Shifting my perspective to what I have vs what I don't have has served to be an effective tool as I strive for self-acceptance.

Appreciating the core memories that resurface to remind me of the battles and challenges I have overcome in the last year and a half. Only beginning to realize that these very moments allow me to truly be present and deeply grounded. I am rooted in the now!

The ability of the mind has become a super power rather than a burden. Certain sounds smells, and sights that once triggered memories that would drown me with anxiety now serve as moments of joy. Facing death is teaching me how to LIVE. It's instilling in me a deeper sense of faith that what will be will be. That the universe will always conspire in my favour if I surrender. Trusting that even in the moments when I feel lost, God is leading the way. Life is not a linear journey and we don't see whats at the end of the road by standing on the starting line. Moving through the path inspite of the ups and downs gives us the opportunity to truly see the strength within us. Sometimes the pain that we feel is a reminder of where we are ...HERE!

Just last week I had an assessment with a neuro-opthamologist who pretty much confirmed that my current visual impairment is likely permanent. As much as I had accepted that this was a possibility I was overcome with disappointment. The doctor apologized for the diagnosis and as I fought back the tears I found such ease as I replied "there is nothing to be sorry about, I'M ALIVE! That moment of devestation empowered me. Though I may not have control over what life gives me I have the power within me to to decide what to do with it. I didn't look death in the eyes only for it to be all in vain. In spite of this setback, life continues tomorrow. You have 3 choices: live in the pain of YESTERDAY, the anxieties of TOMORROW or revel in TODAY. Many times we invest too much of ourselves in what was lived and what we anticipate tomorrow that we bypass the power of now until the now becomes the yesterday we took for granted. As a single mom I've often been in situations where I've planned an amazing day with my kids and while getting ready for this day I spend the hour getting angry and frustrated with the mess they left, or how long they are taking to get dressed or the horrible traffic By the time we get to the destination we are all drained and miserable. One bad hour changed the outcome of the rest of the 24 hours. You finally go home wondering where the day went feeling like a horrible parent. The journey of perfection is unattainable and takes us nowhere but back to the burdens of yesterday.

We have the ability to adapt to the world around us. During a follow-up with my chiropractor (Dr. Rachel Goddard), I updated her with my medical issues. I'm always filled with gratitude with the healthcare providers that not only assist me back to a better quality of life, but hold space for me spiritually. I told her that I would not pursue having my drivers license reinstated and her response resonated with me (non-verbatim) "when you can no longer drive yourself to places you will be amazed at how you figure out how to get there anyways, then you realize I CAN DO THIS!" This perspective in relation to life is so precise but often times we get accustomed to the way in which we do things that we don't open ourselves to the idea that there are other ways to get to where we want to be. Or that there is an even better journey and destination set out for us so we continue the same exact way and be caught in the same dead end. Instead, we should look at these setbacks as guides leading us to the road less travelled, though unbeknownst to us. It's the path to the destination that is rightfully yours. The path we would not have taken had we not been given that setback. Ultimately the brightest future is a product of our past but we can only attain it by living for today.

So with all that being said, this is me...NOW!

I have felt pain, I have been broken, I have fallen down many times, lost many "friends", my mind doesn't work as it once did, my vision is impaired, my endurance isnt the same, I am the heaviest I have ever been but I also have faced death and survived. This body has carried me through every hurdle, ever obstacle, every twist and turn. This body is mine and I stand grounded, rooted and strong. My new disabilities have blessed me with the privilege of seeing the world with intention and navigating the world without urgency, breathing in every moment, celebrating even the smallest achievement. Honouring the body that has housed this warrior spirit that only now I'm learning to love and appreciate.

Standing with gratitude.